Dietlin: Five Really Different USC Coach Candidates

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Posted on October 5, 2021


  By Mik Dietlin, SportsPac12

Much has been made about fan attendance at the Coliseum this season, and how these fans storm the parking lot and flee the grounds during the third quarter. It’s not a good look for any university.

A painfully bright blue football field is also not a good look for any university, but at least the people of Boise stay in their seats the whole game.

Maybe some leave early with legitimate excuses? I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure the overwhelming majority of fans residing in the Mountain Time Zone like to get their money’s worth.

Not so in Southern California. There’s always a better party elsewhere, enough disposable income to toss into an ocean of merriment.

To sit through an entire college football game when the local team performs as if they’d rather be clubbing in West Hollywood, is considered self-flagellation.

USC Athletic Director Mike Bohn has intimated he wants a charged, exciting atmosphere permeating The House the Olympics Built. To this end he’s decided to dabble in pyrotechnics before night home games.

Fireworks is an okay place to start, I suppose. Not that creative, but everyone seems to enjoy them, so why not.

Ancient Rome may have had access to a rudimentary form of fireworks, but if it did, it’s unlikely they discharged them prior to beheading the dregs of society in the original Colosseum, as they spelled it back then.

Gladiators in ancient Rome | historycollection.com

They couldn’t illuminate the city sky anyway because the Colosseum had no lights, believe it or not. Besides, city ordinance 23126849 dictated all killing and mayhem had to finish by dusk to avoid accidental injury to popular gladiators.

The way the Romans spelled their stadium was much better, I think. It looks…tougher. I have no idea what the moderns were thinking in changing it.

I’ll only say that the spelling alteration was the impetus to what we are witnessing now at USC—the downfall of Troy.

Luckily for everyone, I’m here to help.

So our AD feels an entertaining game experience is what’s sorely lacking, and not the recruitment of better quality offensive and defensive line players? All righty then, I can furnish that lavish adrenaline rush Angelenos can’t live without.

First order of business is hiring a head coach, a Master of Ceremony if you will. As will become clear, Escapism City will flourish with the hiring of the right coach. But not just any coach. You need star power, familiarity, charisma—in other words, A-Listers.

Never mind coaching ability. As Trojan fans understand all too well, you don’t need talent to thrive in this town.

So here’s my USC Head Coach Search Leader Board, a Top Five list sure to keep those liposuctioned butts in their seats.

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger | Tony Gutierrez /Associated Press

Possibly the greatest success story in the history of show business. Whatever task he sets his mind to he accomplishes without fail.

Not only has Arnold enjoyed total success, he’s enjoyed total recall as well, which should come in handy during game prep. He even married into American royalty (Kennedy), and served as governor of Cal-ee-forn-i-yuh.

Nothing captivates the collective mind of folks local and long-distance more than Super Heroes, and that fact alone makes him Number One on the leader board.

Any physical challenge, no matter how impossible it seems, is never beyond their capacity, even teaching a consistent, strong running game.

Arnold would control all aspects of the program (filthy rich boosters and the upper brass locked in their ivory tower won’t have a choice). He’d double as trainer, so you’d be exerting some fiscal responsibility with the hire.

I thought of going with Sylvester Stallone, but who believes a munchkin with special-effects muscles can actually whip Ivan Drago and Apollo Creed? I sure don’t, and pity the poor fool that does.

2. Denzel Washington

Denzel has appeared on just about every Top 10 and best-of list imaginable, and I’m not leaving him off mine.

Epitome of cool, suave, and sure to reel in more female fans hesitant on attending the biggest party in Los Angeles.

He’ll gain the players love and affection faster than you can say Clay Helton. Unlike Helton, however, lurking within Washington’s gentle heart beats a malignant rage that if left boiling, could slice you up pretty good. They thought the same about Lombardi.

Good thing for the players he’ll never have to let things get that far.

Specially selected vignette’s from his films such as “American Gangster,” “The Book of Eli,” and “Training Day” will straighten out issues on and off the field.

He’s the only candidate on this list with real coaching experience, expertly documented in “Remember the Titans.”

“King Kong ain’t got ^&*# on me!”

Hell yes! That’s the verve sadly missing from Trojanland for the past billion years. I realize Denzel’s character, detective Alonzo Harris, absorbs about 50 rounds after he growls the line, but you get the point.

3. Britney Spears

Britney Spears at Super Bowl XXXV | Jeff Haynes/AFP via Getty Images

Bohn could do well by shifting in the opposite direction, from the para-militaristic, cyborg futurism of Arnold, or the Jekyll-Hyde mental defectiveness-effectiveness of Denzel, to the Princess of Pop—more of a pure (well, maybe somewhat pure) versatile performing artist.

Spears is a worldwide legend and tireless worker. No doubt, she can instill that admirable work ethic in her players, especially when they need it the most during second and third quarters.

Her long-suffering conservatorship battle is ample proof she can make mistakes, regroup, and come out looking pretty damn good.

Her versatility will help in ways we can barely fathom now, like relieving the SC faithful of their frustration and tension with humor, blaring her recording “Oops!… I Did It Again” after each and every Trojan miscue or stupid penalty.

I’m uncertain what the rules are allowing female head coaches into locker rooms, but it doesn’t matter. Britney is not concerned with X’s and O’s, except when writing love songs.

Her strength is obviously not in breaking down zone coverage’s, but in keeping 70,000 plus from leaving the stadium by performing during time outs.

Her halftime mini-concerts will be epic. That is, until the Trojans run on to the field to start the second half, bringing the pandemonium to a screeching halt.

4. Quentin Tarantino

Quentin Tarantino|Valerie Macon/AFP via Getty Images

We all know football is a violent game, meant to be played violently. Just ask Vic So’oto. How in the world can you ever be considered “soft” again with the “Bad Boy of Blood” in the director’s chair?

Whatever cheesy video screen Jerry Jones has mounted in his building, Tarantino will double its length and girth, even paying for it out of pocket. Everything might be bigger in Texas, but they’re frickin’ Godzilla-size in Hollywood.

On this 8K screen, Tarantino will show horrific images of bones snapping, close-ups of hyper-extended limbs and the excruciating faces belonging to those limbs, angry spittle flying from coaches’ mouths in slow motion, and as his trademark, comical ways blood can exit a body.

Written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

We get football the way it was supposed to feel, as if watching a Dick Butkus highlight film. If you’re wondering who’s coaching while Tarantino’s shooting, don’t worry about it. That’s why they have assistant coaches.

Quentin’s job is to produce Oscar-worthy cinema that explodes on a visceral, intellectual level, creating the depth of emotion necessary for the team to properly execute like the blue-chippers they were ranked out of high school.

5. Snoop Dogg

Bohn might think it’s high time Trojan Nation had a head coach bringing a dedicated fan’s perspective to day-to-day operations. Who better to run the joint than Snoop?

He’s always hovering like a fine haze around the players anyway. Granted, this is only while they’re winning, which may call into question his loyalty.

But I wouldn’t. Dogg is loyal. Losing is just a huge come-down for him.

To think his lack of coaching experience and acumen is detrimental to lighting up a new powerhouse in L.A. is simply a pipe dream. Hasn’t this chronic dysfunction the past eleven years gone on long enough?

Look at the previous head coaches and their experience and acumen and you tell me who’s more likely to spark the players’ imagination?

His uber-mellow facade is what’s needed to get this program to relax and be themselves, free from choking media criticism and a disgruntled fan base, red-eyed with irritation.

I promise you, Snoop brings a unique competitive presence to the sideline. He’s the kind of coach that will squint across the field, focus hard locating the opposing coach, stare him down, and think, “Man, do I got your number.”

—More from Mik Dietlin—