Posted on October 5, 2021
A painfully bright blue football field is also not a good look for any university, but at least the people of Boise stay in their seats the whole game.
Maybe some leave early with legitimate excuses? I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure the overwhelming majority of fans residing in the Mountain Time Zone like to get their money’s worth.
Not so in Southern California. There’s always a better party elsewhere, enough disposable income to toss into an ocean of merriment.
To sit through an entire college football game when the local team performs as if they’d rather be clubbing in West Hollywood, is considered self-flagellation.
USC Athletic Director Mike Bohn has intimated he wants a charged, exciting atmosphere permeating The House the Olympics Built. To this end he’s decided to dabble in pyrotechnics before night home games.
Fireworks is an okay place to start, I suppose. Not that creative, but everyone seems to enjoy them, so why not.
Ancient Rome may have had access to a rudimentary form of fireworks, but if it did, it’s unlikely they discharged them prior to beheading the dregs of society in the original Colosseum, as they spelled it back then.
They couldn’t illuminate the city sky anyway because the Colosseum had no lights, believe it or not. Besides, city ordinance 23126849 dictated all killing and mayhem had to finish by dusk to avoid accidental injury to popular gladiators.
The way the Romans spelled their stadium was much better, I think. It looks…tougher. I have no idea what the moderns were thinking in changing it.
I’ll only say that the spelling alteration was the impetus to what we are witnessing now at USC—the downfall of Troy.
Luckily for everyone, I’m here to help.
So our AD feels an entertaining game experience is what’s sorely lacking, and not the recruitment of better quality offensive and defensive line players? All righty then, I can furnish that lavish adrenaline rush Angelenos can’t live without.
First order of business is hiring a head coach, a Master of Ceremony if you will. As will become clear, Escapism City will flourish with the hiring of the right coach. But not just any coach. You need star power, familiarity, charisma—in other words, A-Listers.
Never mind coaching ability. As Trojan fans understand all too well, you don’t need talent to thrive in this town.
So here’s my USC Head Coach Search Leader Board, a Top Five list sure to keep those liposuctioned butts in their seats.
1. Arnold SchwarzeneggerPossibly the greatest success story in the history of show business. Whatever task he sets his mind to he accomplishes without fail.
Not only has Arnold enjoyed total success, he’s enjoyed total recall as well, which should come in handy during game prep. He even married into American royalty (Kennedy), and served as governor of Cal-ee-forn-i-yuh.
Nothing captivates the collective mind of folks local and long-distance more than Super Heroes, and that fact alone makes him Number One on the leader board.
Any physical challenge, no matter how impossible it seems, is never beyond their capacity, even teaching a consistent, strong running game.
Arnold would control all aspects of the program (filthy rich boosters and the upper brass locked in their ivory tower won’t have a choice). He’d double as trainer, so you’d be exerting some fiscal responsibility with the hire.
I thought of going with Sylvester Stallone, but who believes a munchkin with special-effects muscles can actually whip Ivan Drago and Apollo Creed? I sure don’t, and pity the poor fool that does.
2. Denzel WashingtonDenzel has appeared on just about every Top 10 and best-of list imaginable, and I’m not leaving him off mine.
Epitome of cool, suave, and sure to reel in more female fans hesitant on attending the biggest party in Los Angeles.
He’ll gain the players love and affection faster than you can say Clay Helton. Unlike Helton, however, lurking within Washington’s gentle heart beats a malignant rage that if left boiling, could slice you up pretty good. They thought the same about Lombardi.
Good thing for the players he’ll never have to let things get that far.
Specially selected vignette’s from his films such as “American Gangster,” “The Book of Eli,” and “Training Day” will straighten out issues on and off the field.
He’s the only candidate on this list with real coaching experience, expertly documented in “Remember the Titans.”
“King Kong ain’t got ^&*# on me!”
Hell yes! That’s the verve sadly missing from Trojanland for the past billion years. I realize Denzel’s character, detective Alonzo Harris, absorbs about 50 rounds after he growls the line, but you get the point.
3. Britney SpearsBohn could do well by shifting in the opposite direction, from the para-militaristic, cyborg futurism of Arnold, or the Jekyll-Hyde mental defectiveness-effectiveness of Denzel, to the Princess of Pop—more of a pure (well, maybe somewhat pure) versatile performing artist.
Spears is a worldwide legend and tireless worker. No doubt, she can instill that admirable work ethic in her players, especially when they need it the most during second and third quarters.
Her long-suffering conservatorship battle is ample proof she can make mistakes, regroup, and come out looking pretty damn good.
Her versatility will help in ways we can barely fathom now, like relieving the SC faithful of their frustration and tension with humor, blaring her recording “Oops!… I Did It Again” after each and every Trojan miscue or stupid penalty.
I’m uncertain what the rules are allowing female head coaches into locker rooms, but it doesn’t matter. Britney is not concerned with X’s and O’s, except when writing love songs.
Her strength is obviously not in breaking down zone coverage’s, but in keeping 70,000 plus from leaving the stadium by performing during time outs.
Her halftime mini-concerts will be epic. That is, until the Trojans run on to the field to start the second half, bringing the pandemonium to a screeching halt.
4. Quentin TarantinoWe all know football is a violent game, meant to be played violently. Just ask Vic So’oto. How in the world can you ever be considered “soft” again with the “Bad Boy of Blood” in the director’s chair?
Whatever cheesy video screen Jerry Jones has mounted in his building, Tarantino will double its length and girth, even paying for it out of pocket. Everything might be bigger in Texas, but they’re frickin’ Godzilla-size in Hollywood.
On this 8K screen, Tarantino will show horrific images of bones snapping, close-ups of hyper-extended limbs and the excruciating faces belonging to those limbs, angry spittle flying from coaches’ mouths in slow motion, and as his trademark, comical ways blood can exit a body.
Written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
We get football the way it was supposed to feel, as if watching a Dick Butkus highlight film. If you’re wondering who’s coaching while Tarantino’s shooting, don’t worry about it. That’s why they have assistant coaches.
Quentin’s job is to produce Oscar-worthy cinema that explodes on a visceral, intellectual level, creating the depth of emotion necessary for the team to properly execute like the blue-chippers they were ranked out of high school.
5. Snoop DoggBohn might think it’s high time Trojan Nation had a head coach bringing a dedicated fan’s perspective to day-to-day operations. Who better to run the joint than Snoop?
He’s always hovering like a fine haze around the players anyway. Granted, this is only while they’re winning, which may call into question his loyalty.
But I wouldn’t. Dogg is loyal. Losing is just a huge come-down for him.
To think his lack of coaching experience and acumen is detrimental to lighting up a new powerhouse in L.A. is simply a pipe dream. Hasn’t this chronic dysfunction the past eleven years gone on long enough?
Look at the previous head coaches and their experience and acumen and you tell me who’s more likely to spark the players’ imagination?
His uber-mellow facade is what’s needed to get this program to relax and be themselves, free from choking media criticism and a disgruntled fan base, red-eyed with irritation.
I promise you, Snoop brings a unique competitive presence to the sideline. He’s the kind of coach that will squint across the field, focus hard locating the opposing coach, stare him down, and think, “Man, do I got your number.”
—More from Mik Dietlin—
- Dietlin: Only Two HC Candidates are Worthy of USC
- Dietlin: Toughness There, But Spark Lacking for USC
- Mik Dietlin’s Pac-12 ‘State of the Union’ Address
- Dietlin: USC Drowning in Dark Fun Worthy of Poe
- Dietlin: Pac-12 Networks Nightmare Worse than SC’s
- Dietlin: Disinfect USC of All Traces of Clay Helton
- Dietlin: Change Fortuitous for Energized Trojans
- Dietlin: Helton is a ‘Good Guy,’ but Be Glad He’s Gone
- Dietlin: Torture and the Freak Show Return for USC
- Dietlin: Even in victory, Clay Helton seems misguided
- Dietlin: Informal Alliance as Foolish as it is Toothless
- Dietlin: Preseason Angst the Norm for SC Fans, Media
- Dietlin: Why Covid Can’t Keep Us Away from CFB
- Dietlin: Whatever Changes, Grandpa ESPN Still Wins
- Dietlin: ASU May Need Magick to Avoid NCAA Iceberg
- Dietlin: Is Reggie Bush Still the Judas of College Football?
- Dietlin: 12-Team CFP More Proof the World has Gone Crazy
- Dietlin: A Russian Hacker, USF, and Why the Irish are Postseason Losers
- Dietlin: The Greatness of ‘The Four Horsemen’ is Long Gone for Notre Dame
- What happens when a rogue USC writer decides to cover Notre Dame?
- Dietlin Mailbag: The Fate of ‘The Cat,’ USC’s Oregon Problem & NCAA Hypocrisy
- The Football Gods are Angry, but Pac-12 did Right Thing
- Dietlin: We Know CFB will Happen & We Know it Shouldn’t
- 2020 Preseason All-SportsPac12 Football Team
- 2020 SportsPac12 California All-Region Team
- Dietlin: Despite Dismal Helmet Decal, OSU Football on Rise
- Dietlin: To My Little Brother & Reggie Bush—Sorry, not Sorry
- Dietlin: Graham Harrell Key to USC’s Future
- Dietlin: What JT Daniels Loses in the Portal
- Dietlin: How I’m Coping Without Live Sports